Norfolk, VA- Teddy Habersham, an IT worker with Ultra Tech Solutions, loves the annual holiday office party.

“It’s always a great time” Teddy explains, “mingling with coworkers, taking a longer lunch, and the food, it’s always so delicious.”

It’s especially wonderful for Teddy because he never brings a god-damn thing. Sources within the company estimate that Habersham hasn’t brought anything in for the office party for the past four years.

“I think he once brought a bottle of seltzer” recalls Denise from Human Resources, “I can’t remember because it’s been so long. It had to be him because I saw the unopened bottle on his desk that afternoon. Once there were two $.50 bags of chips on the table and we all figured Teddy brought them. That was Spring 2005. ”

Workers have debated whether Habersham even understands the protocol of office lunches. The topic has been raised to Habersham during casual conversation but many coworkers fear Habersham will have a bad reaction to the topic based on his volatile reactions in the past.

“Oh, I know I’m supposed to bring something in,” laughs the man with few office friends,
“and I will once they call me out on it. Until then, I’m just going to enjoy myself. If they piss me off though, I might light this fucker up. ”

Habersham is a master at dodging everything extracurricular in the office.

“My favorite” says Habersham smugly “is when they come around to collect money for something, Lord knows what this time, and I sneak away from my desk. I also learned how to bounce back their emails and mark them as spam.”

With the Valentine’s party just a month away, Habersham is already excited for the possibilities of food and fare.

“Last year, Samantha made these fantastic deviled eggs that looked like cupids. Oh, they were so adorable. I brought a plate home to my kids. They loved them!”