You meet some friends for drinks after work, you are hammered by 8:00 p.m., visiting another bar and closing the joint down, eating diner food around 3 a.m., texting old girlfriends, hook-ups and softball buddies professing your urge to ‘bump uglies.’ You play in an all men’s league hambone. The alarm hits 6:30 a.m. for the start of possibly the worst day of your life.

Being hungover at the office is an awful feeling. You’ve tried all the hangover cures and remedies but nothing is righting the ship. You are at work and still drunk as hell. What do you do? Normal folk would just suggest not to drink so much or call out of work. This website is far from normal.

Here are four suggestions to keep your job until the 5 p.m. whistle blows. They will in no way help the hammers cracking your eyes on the inside of your skulls. Try four Advil and flat soda.

1) Get the red out- The eyes are the window to the liver. Both those organs look like hell right now.  Keep a bottle of Visine at your desk and apply liberally throughout the day. If the are still Cabernet red, throw on a pair of sunglasses and explain to everyone that asks that the eye doctor suggested them for working on the computer. Go into an incredibly long explanation of your eye issues. People won’t care and will walk away. Get a pair of those cataract shades at the pharmacy to really sell the eye issues.

2) Ask a trusted coworker if you stink- Chances are you smell like the bar room floor at closing time. Ask a trusted coworker if you do indeed stink and find some masking agents. Gum is useless. Chew coffee beans and have peanut butter for breakfast. Don’t go crazy with cologne. It’s worse than alcohol.

3) Avoid important people- More than you normally do. Don’t cross paths with anyone that could get you fired. Stay out of the kitchen and break room and only use the stalls in the bathroom instead of urinals. You too ladies.  Only discuss work matters over email and make sure to triple check your words and spelling. There is a big difference between telling someone you want to ‘do lunch’ and ‘do you for lunch.’

4) Lie- Sure it’s cool telling people you went on an all night bender and still made it into work but it’s like playing the game Telephone. You tell Sally from accounting you went out and had a few too many and by the time it reaches corporate the story has become “you are drunk at your desk with a paper clip holder full of booger sugar and a body in your trunk”. If someone says ‘rough night’ you respond with a sob story about breaking up with your girl/boyfriend or your sick pet who you have to rush to the vet because they swallowed a spoon.

God speed. Hope you make it till 5 p.m. Oh, and don’t check your cell phone until your head is completely clear. Damage control is an understatement.

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