Norfolk, VA- Teddy Habersham, an IT worker with Ultra Tech Solutions, loves the annual holiday office party.

“It’s always a great time” Teddy explains, “mingling with coworkers, taking a longer lunch, and the food, it’s always so delicious.”

It’s especially wonderful for Teddy because he never brings a god-damn thing. Sources within the company estimate that Habersham hasn’t brought anything in for the office party for the past four years.

“I think he once brought a bottle of seltzer” recalls Denise from Human Resources, “I can’t remember because it’s been so long. It had to be him because I saw the unopened bottle on his desk that afternoon. Once there were two $.50 bags of chips on the table and we all figured Teddy brought them. That was Spring 2005. ”

Workers have debated whether Habersham even understands the protocol of office lunches. The topic has been raised to Habersham during casual conversation but many coworkers fear Habersham will have a bad reaction to the topic based on his volatile reactions in the past.

“Oh, I know I’m supposed to bring something in,” laughs the man with few office friends,
“and I will once they call me out on it. Until then, I’m just going to enjoy myself. If they piss me off though, I might light this fucker up. ”

Habersham is a master at dodging everything extracurricular in the office.

“My favorite” says Habersham smugly “is when they come around to collect money for something, Lord knows what this time, and I sneak away from my desk. I also learned how to bounce back their emails and mark them as spam.”

With the Valentine’s party just a month away, Habersham is already excited for the possibilities of food and fare.

“Last year, Samantha made these fantastic deviled eggs that looked like cupids. Oh, they were so adorable. I brought a plate home to my kids. They loved them!”

Some days it just doesn’t pay to leave your mistress’ house.

Someone broke into public health offices in Logan and made away with 17 urine samples. The break-in happened early Monday morning at the Bear River Health Department. Spokeswoman Jill Parker says the thieves broke a window and somehow got into a padlocked refrigerator to steal the samples, which were stored in small, lidded plastic cups.

I needed those urine samples. Now how am I supposed to test my theory about the smell of pee is in direction relation to what you have for dinner? Right, like your pee never smelled like tacos.

Urine Samples Swiped From Logan Health Department (Connect2Utah)

There is smart and there is Kmart smart. These workers are obviously all Kmart dumb.

When employees of a Des Moines Kmart store finally opened a red tin can that had been sitting on the customer service counter for four days, they got a $10,000 surprise.

Took them almost four days to inspect a “mysterious red can” that had been sitting on the counter. They still aren’t going near that brown-stained bag in the automotive department. Bag of oil my ass let the night crew clean it up.

Tin Can Filled with $10k Found at Des Moines Kmart (KCRG-TV)

I’ll never understand men with the women’s bathroom fantasy. I know women. I’ve lived with women. I own a couple women. The last thing I want to see is what really goes on when the bathroom door closes.

For this article, let’s play a little game of “funny, funnier and the mostest funny ever.”

Funny: Man puts camera in ladies room. Gets more footage of himself than any women.

An Elgin man who hid a spy camera in women’s bathroom at his workplace, but mostly recorded himself trying to figure out the device, is facing up to three years in prison after pleading guilty Wednesday to a felony charge.

Funnier: It took only two people to notice the camera.

The camera recorded one female co-worker using the washroom before it was discovered by an employee and turned over to police, authorities said.

Mostest funny ever?

When police began viewing what else was on the camera, the first thing they saw was video of Bribiescas looking into the lens and learning how to operate the device.

This is Miguel Bribiescas. Testing 1 2. Is this thing working? Hello, hello.

Jackass.

Elgin man admits placing spy-cam in women’s bathroom at work (Daily Herald)

Some people want you to be as lazy as possible at work. I’m all for it.

Layoffs and budget cuts may make you anxious, but that’s no reason to triple your workload. In fact, there are many ways to look as though you’re working hard when you’re hardly working, says business humorist Stanley Bing.

The article is a cheap plug for a book titled How to Relax Without Getting the Axe: A Survival Guide to the New Workplace which at one point I believe was under the working title of “This blogger’s life, stolen for print and profit”. Fine, the new title is catchier.

Here is a suggestion from Mr. Bing:

Look into corporate programs involving mentoring, philanthropy, community-based activity and social activism. It can be a pleasant alternative to actual work.

So instead of doing actual work that pays a salary, find ADDITIONAL WORK that doesn’t pay squat?

Can anyone can get a book deal these day?

Click here to get a copy of How to Relax Without Getting the Axe: A Survival Guide to the New Workplace.

Relax Without Getting the Ax; Fewer Turkey Naps (New York Times)

I guess if you’re a struggling writer or editor you look for work anywhere. Even the local pizza place.

Click for better look

Good for those three Greek brothers down the street. They want their Italian menu as polished as possible. Food sucks, but man that menu is error-free.

Oh nice. It says there open for lunch and except debit cards.

The work poop. At past jobs I would hide in the restroom. Nap. Recover from hangovers. Read magazines. Sometimes actually go #2. At one point I moved my desk into the bathroom but got reprimanded by HR for using too much TP as note paper.

Some people do waste a ton of time making a ton of waste. Just how much? Ask Workpoop.com.

Have you ever wondered how much money you make each year just by pooping at work? Well, we here at workpoop.com have thought the same thing and have created the poop calculator. Once you have entered in the appropriate data just click the ‘Calculate Poop Pay’ button to see your annual earning for pooping at work. It’s as easy as one, two, poop.

My annual pay for poop? $4875

This means I not only need to incorporate bran into my diet but I’m underpaid.

Both really shitty thoughts.

More crap to think about:  Do You Poo at Work? (Because Maybe You Should)

The office coffee mug. Holder of lukewarm, dollar-store, office-brewed coffee and dirtier than the new girl in accounting. It would be healthier to drink from the toilet. Get your head out of the bowl, I was kidding.

How about just drinking from a coffee mug that looks like a toilet?

This silly toilet-shaped mug holds up to 12oz of your favorite hot beverage and will make your co-workers do a double take. The hand painted Toilet Mug makes a great gag gift for any coffee or tea lover, and will gross out anyone who has a weak stomach. For extra laughs, fill the toilet mug with hot cocoa and marshmallows and serve it to your Grandpa. Put unwrapped tootsie rolls in it and watch your dinner guests scratch their heads in disbelief! Serve the kids cereal in it for before school laughs, or fill it with a hot fudge sundae the possibilities are hilarious!

Wow. Someone in the copy department has a SERIOUS poop fetish. I know the fetish has an actual technical name but there are just some things that don’t need Googling.

Thanks to the gents at Tasty Booze for bringing this to our attention. Pervs.

October 16th is Bosses Day. If Valentines Day is considered a corporate holiday created to get card and gift companies fatter than the average ass after a box of Brach’s chocolates, then Bosses Day is all those things plus a stapler to the stomach of the working grunt.

It is so made up people can’t even agree on the spelling. Boss’s Day. Bosses Day. How about we spell it “pain in the ass who really shouldn’t be in a position of power let alone have a day to celebrating his monumental failures as a leader or decision maker.” That would be a hell of Hallmark greeting.

This is his or her day. So let’s celebrate. Let’s do something to show the boss how we feel about the job they are doing in the office.

Here are five simple ways to stick it to the Boss

1) Half-empty gift card- You’ve probably got some shoved in your desk or in a drawer at home. It’s got about $.30 on it but you can’t throw it away. You’ll use it one day you just feel dumb giving it to the cashier for such a small amount. Give it to the boss. Try and get the actual envelope that goes with the card to make it super official. Best part? The gag embarrasses the hell out of them in front of a store full of people. If the boss calls you out about the card tell him it’s the tough economy. Maybe there will be more next year.

2) Write cheater on his car- Is he/she cheating? Probably, I mean who isn’t, but it will certainly cause a stir in the office. Pick something that won’t leave a mark like lipstick or a key. Optimal spot is the hood but then people on the road can’t enjoy. On either side of the car is fine. Passenger side works best because he/she might not see it for days. Last option is to dicktop the car. You might not have the drawing chops to pull it off though.

3) Sign the boss up for random newsletters- Friends of Fat Kids. NAMBLA. Oprah’s Colonic of the Month Club. Anything and everything. One after the other. Sure s/he has to confirm them to get the newsletters delivered but getting all the initial emails is just as funny as the NAMBLA newsletter itself. And trust me, that shit is HYSTERICAL!

4) Turn off the monitor- Ever see someone struggle with their computer for hours, only to realize the monitor was off? It’s so much fun for everyone with a half a brain that knows something about computers. You’re boss has neither. Same person that thought the disc drive was a cup holder. Also fun, if you’ve got the time, switch some of the keys on the keyboard. They won’t figure that out until the holidays.

5) Take bites out of his lunch- One bite out of everything. Sip from his soda. Ah, too easy. Take the whole lunch and throw it out. Not just today. Every couple days. For fun. For spite. Just because there is such a thing as Bosses Day.

Got any other ideas? Let’s hear them.

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