All the good stuff kills you quicker: scorned mistresses, erotic asphyxiation, Arby’s and now sitting.

Scientists are increasingly warning that sitting for prolonged periods — even if you also exercise regularly — could be bad for your health. And it doesn’t matter where the sitting takes place — at the office, at school, in the car or before a computer or TV — just the overall number of hours it occurs.

More proof things like this aren’t far off.

So we stop sitting at work. Then what? Stand up all day? No way. No more standing. I do enough of that when I DJ at local strip clubs.

Is there any good job that doesn’t involve sitting?

You sitting down? Experts say it’ll kill you (MSNBC)

Interesting info-graphic from Bill Shrink regarding where minimum rage has been, where it’s going, and what’s happening right now. Couple more dollars I’d consider working at Arby’s.

Since we are on the topic of the future and minimum wrage I want to thank everyone for a good 2009 and look for more from this blog in the coming year. It’s a work in progress, but stick around, you’ll like what you see in 2010.

Or you might not reading. Stop holding me to such high standards!

The Past, Present, and Future of Minimum Wage (Bill Shrink)

Here is a little tip for all the people that could get away with napping at their job. Do not. Does a nap story at work ever end well? Ever take a nap at work and wake up to a promotion and key to the clean toilets? Nope. You’ll just get caught and end up on the interwebs and it will most likely be the fault of a coworker and a guy serving life for armed robbery. Wait, huh?

A city correction officer took a cell phone photo of his co-worker sleeping on duty, leading to disciplinary action against both of them. The photo shows guard Nadja Green, in uniform, leaning back in a chair with her arms folded on her chest, eyes closed and mouth open. An inmate is standing next to her, making a “peace” sign.

Hey. Inmate #24343. Come here. I’ve got a funny idea. Check out my sleeping coworker. Yeah, yeah that one. Hard to tell which I was referring to in this instance. Know what would be a stitch? Make a peace sign while she is dead asleep. Ok, now pretend to grab her gun. Ha, ok now put the gun down. Hey! Put the gun….

BANG!

Wonder how many pics a guard can snap during a prison riot?

Photo Catches N.Y. Prison Guard Sleeping on Job in Front of Inmate (Fox News)

Norfolk, VA- Teddy Habersham, an IT worker with Ultra Tech Solutions, loves the annual holiday office party.

“It’s always a great time” Teddy explains, “mingling with coworkers, taking a longer lunch, and the food, it’s always so delicious.”

It’s especially wonderful for Teddy because he never brings a god-damn thing. Sources within the company estimate that Habersham hasn’t brought anything in for the office party for the past four years.

“I think he once brought a bottle of seltzer” recalls Denise from Human Resources, “I can’t remember because it’s been so long. It had to be him because I saw the unopened bottle on his desk that afternoon. Once there were two $.50 bags of chips on the table and we all figured Teddy brought them. That was Spring 2005. ”

Workers have debated whether Habersham even understands the protocol of office lunches. The topic has been raised to Habersham during casual conversation but many coworkers fear Habersham will have a bad reaction to the topic based on his volatile reactions in the past.

“Oh, I know I’m supposed to bring something in,” laughs the man with few office friends,
“and I will once they call me out on it. Until then, I’m just going to enjoy myself. If they piss me off though, I might light this fucker up. ”

Habersham is a master at dodging everything extracurricular in the office.

“My favorite” says Habersham smugly “is when they come around to collect money for something, Lord knows what this time, and I sneak away from my desk. I also learned how to bounce back their emails and mark them as spam.”

With the Valentine’s party just a month away, Habersham is already excited for the possibilities of food and fare.

“Last year, Samantha made these fantastic deviled eggs that looked like cupids. Oh, they were so adorable. I brought a plate home to my kids. They loved them!”

I’m all for the shock factor. I’ve said some things on this very blog that I knew would get some knickers in knots. It was intentional. Normal is boring. So, it doesn’t surprise me when a writer sprints towards a different angle to cover a familiar storyline.

For example. Women and promotion. Blah blah men are favored. New angle is necessary and understood. That said. Don’t piss off women. Seriously. Dude. Don’t.

I will be honest. In my career, I have tended to promote more men than women. I have even generally given men higher salaries. Why? Am I sexist? Do men do a better job? The answer is a resounding no to both. Actually, it is mostly women’s fault. They simply don’t ask for raises or promotions as often as men do.

Is the coast clear? Hey, down here. Under the desk. Everything good? Cool. WHAT ARE YOU DOING MAN!!! Come here, let me smack you for putting that in print and just because you look like you need some swift five finger justice.

I’m sure there is some validity to the statement. Hell you even did a study. We all know every study is fact. FACT. Women aren’t as pushy as men. But I’d imagine there are just as many men who aren’t pushy and have also never asked for a promotion. Know what a pushy woman is called in the office? Bitch. Know what a pushy guy is called? Asshole. Guess who eventually gets promoted. Exactly.

Here is a suggestion; stop giving promotions and raises only when people ask. I know it’s the training and tradition of the old guard to only squeeze water from the compensation rock when people ask but how about avoiding all the uncomfortableness and rewarding work?

How many promotions or pay increases have I deserved in my career. Plenty. Hear my horn? TOOT. How many have I asked for? Maybe one. How many have I received by asking. Nada.

So let’s hear from the ladies. Do you think it would help to be more aggressive in the office? Do you think it’s just that easy that all you have to do is ask?

Why Men Don’t Promote Women More (Forbes.com)

Ever dream of making a grand exit from your crappy job? Who doesn’t? Mine involves kerosene and the coffee maker. Slow drip.

Few people get to quit a job and make a statement. Even fewer get to leave a message for the boss in Cheez Wiz. Unless, you know, you work for the Cheez Whiz people.

An employee at the Magnolia QFC was called to the front of the store at about 5:00 a.m. on November 23rd after a man—who apparently works at the QFC—became “verbally abusive to one of the checkers and throwing food items around the store, ” a report says. The employee contacted the man—described in the report at a tall, muscular, heavy white man—who was found spraying the words “I quit” on the front window of the store using Cheese Whiz. The report notes that the man had “an odor of intoxicants on his breath.”

An odor of intoxicants is a PC way of saying “stunk of Jack Daniels”.

The employee confronted the man and asked him what he was doing. According to the report, the man responded “None of your Fucking business Nigger!”.

Goodnight folks! Thanks for coming! Tip your waitress.

Racism and Cheez Whiz (SeattleCrime.com)

Doing an extensive search of Google for work related article, I came across this gem titled 25 Things You Should Never Put on Your Resume. All good suggestions.

I’ve got 25 more.

1. How many people you slept with at your old job (nobody likes a bragger)
2. Your progress in therapy
3. Your hysterical fake profile on Ashley Madison
4. Winner of ‘best butt’ at the beach house three years running
5. Your high score in Wii Bowling (unless you had a perfect game, but remember what I told you about braggers)
6. That stint at the strip club
7. How many years it took you to finish college
8. Your ability to downsize an inappropriate Internet screen in less than 2 seconds
9. Your actual email address- ihumpedurmom2wice@yahoo.com
10. Your arrests
11. Your many evasions of arrests
12. A favorite hobby is blackmail
13. You enjoy the taste of your own blood a little too much
14. You are hungover once a week. Twice a week if its a month beginning with the letter J
15. Sometimes pants are restrictive to your thought process
16. How many people you plan on sleeping with at this job
17. Objective: Not getting canned. Again.
18. Your college G.P.A. is appropriate. Your blood alcohol level is not
19. Do not list one of your certifications as ’snatch hunter’
20. Your bookie is not a reference
21. Your ability to coordinate a Happy Hour in less than an hour
22. Do not write “keep reading jackass”. Naming it page 2 will suffice
23. The women you bring home from the bar does not qualify you as a heavy machinery expert
24. You hold the record at your old office for “most time in the restroom”
25. In your Professional Summary, when discussing where you see yourself in 5 years, do not write “at a better company”

Got more? Leave them in the comments.

Some days it just doesn’t pay to leave your mistress’ house.

Someone broke into public health offices in Logan and made away with 17 urine samples. The break-in happened early Monday morning at the Bear River Health Department. Spokeswoman Jill Parker says the thieves broke a window and somehow got into a padlocked refrigerator to steal the samples, which were stored in small, lidded plastic cups.

I needed those urine samples. Now how am I supposed to test my theory about the smell of pee is in direction relation to what you have for dinner? Right, like your pee never smelled like tacos.

Urine Samples Swiped From Logan Health Department (Connect2Utah)

There is smart and there is Kmart smart. These workers are obviously all Kmart dumb.

When employees of a Des Moines Kmart store finally opened a red tin can that had been sitting on the customer service counter for four days, they got a $10,000 surprise.

Took them almost four days to inspect a “mysterious red can” that had been sitting on the counter. They still aren’t going near that brown-stained bag in the automotive department. Bag of oil my ass let the night crew clean it up.

Tin Can Filled with $10k Found at Des Moines Kmart (KCRG-TV)

I’ll never understand men with the women’s bathroom fantasy. I know women. I’ve lived with women. I own a couple women. The last thing I want to see is what really goes on when the bathroom door closes.

For this article, let’s play a little game of “funny, funnier and the mostest funny ever.”

Funny: Man puts camera in ladies room. Gets more footage of himself than any women.

An Elgin man who hid a spy camera in women’s bathroom at his workplace, but mostly recorded himself trying to figure out the device, is facing up to three years in prison after pleading guilty Wednesday to a felony charge.

Funnier: It took only two people to notice the camera.

The camera recorded one female co-worker using the washroom before it was discovered by an employee and turned over to police, authorities said.

Mostest funny ever?

When police began viewing what else was on the camera, the first thing they saw was video of Bribiescas looking into the lens and learning how to operate the device.

This is Miguel Bribiescas. Testing 1 2. Is this thing working? Hello, hello.

Jackass.

Elgin man admits placing spy-cam in women’s bathroom at work (Daily Herald)